Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Mom said you looked used
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
