Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
