Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize