I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
