So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
