we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Come on in and take your pants off
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