Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
