I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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