Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
