That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
