She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
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