Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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