i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
