Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
