I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I have already put on my inside pants.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
