I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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