Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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