Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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