I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
