listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
