My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
