chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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