Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
