the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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