Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
