you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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