Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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