we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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