why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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