I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
