Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
