Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
