if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
