Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
