the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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