4 words: hood of his car
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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