It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
