why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
