I have demons in me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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