She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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