i can't believe i had my finger in that
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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