Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
