In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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