and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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