Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
