Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
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I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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