apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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