Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
