Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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