The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boobs speak an international language.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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