What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Mom said you looked used
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
