I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
