its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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