My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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