Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
His nipple licking is glorious
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