My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
