He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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