I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
